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Capítulo V: Donde reside la suerte
Si algo añoraba cuando estuve bajo la tutela de los turcos era la lluvia, y con ella las conversaciones junto a la chimenea amenizadas con vino alsaciano y música de truenos. Así que, a la primera ocasión que tuve tras mi regreso a Europa, decidí llamar a buenos contertulios capaces de tener una conversación sin aullar ni dar dolores de cabeza. Elegirlos fue tarea complicada, pues a la criba intelectual tenía que aplicarle el tamiz geográfico; mas una buena cena siempre es estupendo cebo para tan preciadas piezas.
Conseguí convencer a Charles Degnosa, un curioso personaje que siempre afirma que es conde, aunque nunca supe qué es lo que guarda; su teoría sobre los archivos secretos de los tercios de Flandes, según la cual los extraterrestres ayudaron a los flamencos en más de una batalla, es cuanto menos pintoresca. Como lo son los monstruos que el marino Sir Scott Farms se encuentra en sus travesías y tiene a bien relatarnos en sus arribadas. Aunque las más fabulosas disertaciones vienen de la mano de Karl Bayard y Habibi Sierna, que suelen agotar todo el "timepo" disponible defendiendo los más extravagantes argumentos.
Así que una fría noche de noviembre los agrupé alrededor de la mesa. Los atiborré de un jugoso lechón al horno regado con chispeante vino para cerciorarme que sus estómagos estuvieran lo suficientemente llenos como para no levantarse, y sus mentes lúcidas para la postrera conversación. Después del pudín de membrillo con el que nos deleitó mi cocinero húngaro, pasamos al salón a tomar un digestivo anís de camomilas junto a una generosa lumbre. Es costumbre empezar con un tema sobre mujeres, y obligado era referir a la nueva sirvienta de la condesa de Lyon, que estaba revolucionando a toda la nobleza con sus irresistibles encantos.
Tras pasar lista a las mozas y damas más sugerentes de la corte, el señor Bayard - cuya cama rara vez es visitada por ellas, según las malas lenguas - sacó a colación el tema de la suerte, y de la variedad de castigos que ocurren cuando el mal fario te sorprende. Farms argumentaba que en distintas urbes daban distintas condenas por ver cruzar un gato, pasar bajo una escalera, o romper un espejo. Y Degnosa, muy embravecido, alegaba que unos y otros mentían. Tras paladear el último sorbo de mi licor, lancé una pregunta al aire: ¿Qué divinidad, criatura, personajillo o mecanismo se encargaba de anotar y ejecutar nuestra condena de momentos de mala suerte?
Habibi defendía la tesis de que eran traviesas criaturas encantadas las que hacían de nuestra mala fortuna un juego, mientras que Degnosa y Farms achacaban su causalidad a los mismísimos pobladores del infierno. Bayard, sin embargo mostraba un falso escepticismo que, en realidad, dejaba en evidencia sus carencias de conocimiento en el tema. Puesto que la discusión alcanzaba altas cotas de irracionalidad, decidí realizar un experimento para poner a prueba por mí mismo dichas teorías. Ante la atónita mirada de mis contertulios requerí la presencia de mi criado para pedir una escalera, unos espejos viejos que estaban abandonados en el desván, y un saco de sal que reservaba para las nevadas.
Dispuse la escalera a modo de hipotenusa con la pared y el suelo, y enfrente dejé los espejos, junto al saco de sal. Concentrado, con las lunas delante, comencé a caminar rítmicamente hacia delante y hacia atrás por las escaleras, acumulando, según la superstición, años y años de mal fario. Conforme iba pasando el tiempo aceleré el oscilante movimiento hasta alcanzar un ritmo infernal. Cuando había alcanzado mi frecuencia máxima, saqué de mi bolsillo unos pedruscos que arrojé contra aquellos espejos, haciéndolos añicos. Mis invitados no podían creer lo que veían, pero aún quedaba lo mejor.
Adapté el estresante movimiento a la posición del saco, cogiendo al pasar por el mismo puñados de sal, que luego arrojaba al azar unas veces adelante, y otras hacia atrás. Cuando ya llevaba medio saco derramado por mi preciosa solería, y yo estaba ya jadeante y a punto de parar, ocurrió lo que yo esperaba: De una repentina nube de humo con mucho olor a azufre salió un personajillo no más grande que una herradura con signos de agotamiento extremo. Antes de que cayera al suelo lo ensarté con un abrecartas y suavemente lo deposité sobre un cenicero. Mientras esperábamos a que la criatura despertara y recuperara el habla, expuse los detalles de mi experimento.
Puesto que ciertas acciones producen mala suerte, algo o alguien habrá de tomar nota de ellas para que no caigan en saco roto. Mi idea fue la de bloquear dicho ente, saturándola de información, y llevarlo a condiciones extremas a ver cómo respondía. Como esperaba, al realizar tantos actos de mala y buena suerte, la criaturita se había visto desbordada de trabajo, y lo más normal era que cayera extenuada. Farms no salía de su asombro, mientras Habibi y Bayard volvían a enzarzarse en nuevas discusiones, ahora sobre la naturaleza del extraño ser; y Degnosa intentaba reanimarlo dándole un poco de aquel anisete.
Calmados ya, la criatura nos contó que era un escriba del diablo a tiempo parcial, pues con el aumento de la población, las criaturas del maligno trabajaban a todo trapo. La pobre llevaba mucho estrés acumulado, y mis triquiñuelas habían colmado sus fuerzas. Como no podía ser de otra forma, la invité a comer del tierno lechón que había sobrado y a beber del rico vino. Tras su particular comilona - que a mí no me hubiera servido para tapar la caries de una muela - estuvo contándonos cuánto la explotaban en el infierno, y que pensaba dejarlo e irse a trabajar a un bosque encantado, pero que con la masiva tala de árboles para la construcción de barcos, cada vez era más difícil.
Al terminar la velada, acordamos repetir la reunión. Bayard y Habibi se fueron en la misma carroza discutiendo cabezonamente, Degnosa partió a caballo, y Farms se quedó en la habitación de invitados, pues su barco tardaría aún dos días en zarpar . La criatura se fue agradecida por el buen trato, y me prometió eliminar todo el registro de adversidades que había computado en mi experimento... Aunque creo que muy bien no lo hizo, porque llevo bastante tiempo sin que las mujeres me hagan caso. ¿Será mala suerte o la causa última es mi galopante halitosis? Sí amable lector... Esa es otra historia que otro día contaré.
2002-11-22 12:59 | 85 Comentarios | Imprimir
Referencias (TrackBacks)
URL de trackback de esta historia http://munchi.blogalia.com//trackbacks/3840
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